Rockets and Balloons

The Fall of Umbrella,

cosmeticommunism:

or how to hate Arnold Schwarzenegger’s movies.

Last night, I completed Resident Evil 5. So there will be spoilers, mainly about why Resident Evil 5 sucks.

I played as it was intended, a co-op game. It is so co-op that at the end, you and your sexy ally eachother shoot a rocket from a helicopter that has two rocket launchers in it especially to the occasion, only for you two to aim so well that they both hit the last boss’ face without colliding together.

You would expect that after thirteen years of wait for an end and explication to this whole madness, they would’ve had time to come up with something good. That the ending would’ve been written awhile ago and they would throw filler games at you. No. In what seems an attempt to tell you that if you care about the mythos of Resident Evil you’ve wasted at least 120 hours of your time on this whole series, this game succeeds in destroying your childhood dreams. The main protagonist’s inevitable success comes to a stop when two army trained idiots walk into Rwanda and kill the hell out of everyone in their path with unlimited rocket launchers they can shoot at point-blank. They then proceed by raping the franchise over and over again making rocks break under Wesker’s feet for him to fall in a volcano. I felt like I was playing McGuyver the game. To make you feel guilty about playing this game, Jill is going to end up with the ugliest black man in video game history because he gives her a dirty look at the end when Chris and Sheva are obviously the new shit and she’s left alone. Resident Evil 5 isn’t only racist, it’s interracial.

Interracist.

On a more serious point of view, with the announcement that the franchise would be something new, I told myself that they wanted to butcher this series so much for any fan to stop liking it and be able to move on. I told myself ” The new resident evil is going to be scary. It will make you jump. It will make you feel alone. ” but this series cannot go back to a single player experience. They’ve established what it will be. No survival, no horror.

The worst part? Resident Evil 5 is a really fun game.

-pi